15 hilarious things about sharing a bed with a man

• Posted on January 16, 2015January 16, 2015
• by Nana Kwesi Coomson
• Comment

Even in the most comfortable of relationships, we all try to be the best version of ourselves around our partners…when we can help it. But we can’t control what happens when we sleep, not to mention, our bed is just a place we can all get a little sloppy.

Here are 15 hilarious things about sharing a bed with a man:

The underwear pileup

If you’re doing the deed every night, you probably kick your underwear to the bottom of the bed, as does he, and one day, when you’re shaking out the blankets, a dozen pairs of panties and boxers go flying everywhere.

The bathroom count

When you sleep alone, you can get up to go to the bathroom as many times as you want. But when you share a bed, your bedmate is aware of almost every time you get up! So you usually lay in bed for hours, trying to decide if a “normal” amount of time has passed to run to the toilet again.

You’re asleep; your digestive tract isn’t

You might spend all day holding in your gas around your partner, but once you’re asleep, your digestive tract does what it wants…oops! Let’s hope he didn’t hear that!

Sneaking on your retainer

There’s nothing sexy about wearing a retainer to bed. But there’s also nothing sexy about the thousands of dollars you spent on orthodontic work going to waste, so after you and your guy have had sex, cuddled, shared some pillow talk and said goodnight, you reach under your pillow for the retainer you hid there and slyly slip it on.

Sneaking on your zit cream

When you and your guy get ready for bed together, you know that’s not the real routine—you just do the cute stuff then like brush your teeth. Once your guy is sound asleep, you sneak back into the bathroom to dab zit cream on your face.

The blanket burrito

There’s nothing worse than waking up freezing, only to realize that not only has your guy stolen all the blankets, he’s managed to tuck every corner of them under his body, turning himself into a giant human-blanket burrito. And you have to try to delicately shimmy some blanket out from under him.

Fighting for space

It’s happened to you: you wake up to realize you’re centimeters away from falling off the bed because your guy has slowly inched his way over during the night. And you have to try to slowly inch your way back without waking him up. Or you just wake him up.

He’s asleep; his libido isn’t

A man’s member doesn’t care that he’s asleep: if there is a beautiful woman nearby, it will still be alert. You probably regularly wake up to something poking you, but your partner is snoring away!

Evidence of a snacker

You did your best! You turned the mattress upside down, checked under the sheets and around the bed…you could have sworn there was no evidence of your late night snacking habit left. Until your partner finds a hot pockets wrapper in his pillowcase. Guilty.

Watching your secret shows

While he’s sound asleep, you pull up your laptop, plug in your headphones, turn the screen brightness down low…and watch “The Golden Girls,” flinching at every one of his little movements, praying he doesn’t wake up and tease you.

Your giant, fluffy robe

He wasn’t meant to see it. It is kept for those nights you spend alone with takeout and a magazine. But one night…when you’re sleeping naked…the doorbell rings, or the alarm accidentally goes off, and you’re forced, in a rush to throw it on…YOUR BIG FLUFFY ROBE! And your man struggles to see you as sexy again for a few days.

Your displaced dog

Little Spot or Winston is used to sleeping in your bed with you. He thought he was the man of the house! When suddenly a human man is in his place, and your pup is pacing the bedroom floor, groaning, crying and just generally letting you both know how he feels about the situation.

Snoozing his alarm

You’ve done it: hit snooze on your boyfriend’s alarm because it woke you up and not him…and when he finally did wake up in a panic, running late, you pretended you had no idea what happened.

Is it just cuddling?

We all play this game every night. Unsure if our partner is too tired to have sex, and if this cuddling really is just innocent cuddling, or the beginning of foreplay, we try to gage the situation in a dozen ridiculous ways. Like rubbing his foot, or adjusting our body against him in just the right way, or looking over our shoulder to see if he’s awake.

Nosy roommates

And finally of course there are the roommates who have no boundaries, and will charge into the room and sit on the edge of the bed to chitchat, when you and your guy are clearly naked under those covers.

By Julia Austin