Signs you’re not really in love

• Posted on January 1, 2016January 1, 2016
• by Nana Kwesi Coomson
• Comment

So you’re in love. But are you? Really? Ask anyone and their definition of love will be different, but everyone will certainly recognize it when it hits them.

The thing about love, however, is that no matter which way you define it for yourself, it can trick you.

Your definition might be flawed or you’re desperate for it, so you misinterpret what you’re feeling. I’ve got some signs you’re not really in love you might need to consider.

1. It is always about you?

Self-absorbed people and vain people have a lot of trouble loving another person.

They may feel a lot of affection for another person, and may even feel that the other person is their “one,” but they find it hard to be in love with somebody.

When you are in love, you put the other person before yourself. You would take a bullet for that person and give them your lungs because they take your breath away.

If you are self-absorbed or self-obsessed, you are probably not in love.

2. Wandering eyes and fantasy are okay, but do they happen every time?

Get this right and get it straight. If you or your man has wandering eyes, then it is okay.

It is okay to read the menu, so long as you eat at home. The same is actually “more” true of men.

A man can spend his day looking at beautiful women, but by the time he has gotten home, he will not remember a single one of them.

The Dennis Prager University did a very good piece on this called “He Wants You,” where they referenced scientific studies that proved men are genetically driven to look at other women, and also that within seconds he will not be able to recollect anything about her.

What is more shocking is that fantasy is okay too. Fantasies that include you having sex with other people are okay.

That even includes if you fantasize that your man is another man whilst having sex.

Fantasy is actually one of the few psychological tools we have to prevent perversion (seriously, look it up!).

But, if you “have” to fantasize every time you have sex with your partner, or if you spend most of your time thinking about other people rather than him, then there is a good chance you are not in love with him. (Or the sex is so bad you’re disinterested!)

3. You are embarrassed by the person because you are with him or her?

It is okay to be embarrassed by the person you love. He may dance embarrassingly, or have an embarrassing car or bad dress sense.

However, if you love somebody, you live with their little quirks and may even find them adorable.

If you are not in love, you may find yourself feeling embarrassed by your partner to the point of calling yourself single or not introducing him to your friends.

If this is the case, you may not be in love.

4. How often do you think about that person?

When you are in love, you think about that person during the day. You may see a clip from a TV show that you want to show your beloved, or you may be planning a trip to Canada and wonder if he can get time off work.

As your relationship progresses, you will still think about that person during the day.

Sure, you may not be thinking he is the greatest creature on Earth like you did when you first met, but you will still think about him, such as what to get him for his birthday, or wondering if the ignition on his car will work today.

If you do not think about him very much at all, then it is one of the signs you’re not in love.

5. Have his cute habits become genuinely annoying?

Did he have cute habits back in the day? You may not find them cute anymore and that is fine, but do you find them annoying now? If so, you may have fallen out of love.

The throaty sound he makes when he sleeps may have sounded cute when you first started going out.

He sounded like a purring kitten. If you no longer find it cute, then that is fine, but if the noise now annoys you, then you are probably not in love.

He hasn’t changed and he hasn’t moved the goal posts, yet what was okay once is now not acceptable.

6. Have you had to convince yourself you like that person?

Women and men can feel a lot of affection for each other. They have feelings for the other person and care for them on a very deep and personal level. However, they are not in love with that person.

People in this situation may try to convince themselves they are in love, and they will do it by numerous means.

They may list their best qualities, or search out ways they love them, or even act as if they are in love and say it with the hopes it will rub off in some way.

7. Are you sick of trying?

People give up on relationships too easily and break up without enduring the rough patches.

People break up all the time because they hit a few rough patches and they are doing themselves a disservice.

However, to highlight the other side, some women do say that they finally realized they were not in love on the day when they finally said they were sick of trying.

Some women have a very clear end point. They simply give up and become sick of trying to make it work.

You shouldn’t give up on a relationship because it has been a little rough recently, but if you reach the “I’m sick of trying” point, you may want to take the signs seriously.

8. Do you even like him anymore?

Take an honest look at yourself, your relationship and your man. Can you honestly look yourself in the mirror and say you even like him anymore?

Has your relationship become a big routine where you are not even sure if you care about him anymore?

If he were suddenly replaced with a clone and that clone took up the same routine, would you be that upset?

Sometimes you are simply not in love, and it just takes a little bit of introspection and mediation to figure it out.

9. Are you afraid of being alone?

Many women fall out of love. In fact, many were never in love but they live in denial.

The biggest reason they live in denial is because they are afraid of being alone.

Before you start calling those women cowards, you may like to try being alone for a while.

It is not nice being alone and being rejected by men, or only having low-lifes and scum come on to you.

It can be very tough being alone, and if you have had a bad experience with being alone, then the fear of it can be overwhelming.

If you are staying with a guy, or perpetually putting up with him, or constantly trying to convince yourself you are in love, then it may be because you are afraid of being alone. It could be that you are not in love at all.

10. Do you always have to work on the relationship without periods of happiness?

A relationship is not supposed to be perfect all of the time. It is not supposed to be happy all the time.

To be honest, if you can get a 30% happy, 70% rocky ratio going, then you have a good relationship.

However, if you have to spend most of your time working on your relationship and your ratio of happy to sad has sunk to around 5% happy, then at least one of you is not in love.

11. Have you cheated on that person?

This is one of the most classic and undeniable signs you’re not in love, and yet when cheating occurs, then “denial” always follows.

If you cheated on him, you were not confused, you were not too drunk and you were not on a break.

You did it because you didn’t love him. Women that break with the love of their life cannot even look at another man, never mind go to bed with one. The whole “we were on a break” line is garbage if you are in love. The fact is, if you cheat on the person, then you have to be an adult, you have to be emotionally mature and you have to admit to YOURSELF, at least, that you are not in love.

12. Do you fall in love with him again when you are drunk?

This is a tough tip to swallow because we all act differently when we are drunk.

Some of us become sloppy, others become aggressive, horny, arrogant, etc. The thing you should know about alcohol is that biochemically, it is a depressant and it frees up your inhibitions a little bit.

The things you do when you are drunk are the things you actually want to do in real life but do not have the courage or will.

If you are drunk and suddenly find your partner more lovable, sexy, stimulating, etc, then there is a good chance you are still in love.

If when you are drunk you keep trying to get other men (or women) to pay you “sexual” or “romantic” attention, then it is highly likely you are not in love with your partner.

13. Do you feel something is missing?

This is one of the most unfair entries on this post. People often feel something is missing, and it is not fair if you discard a relationship because of the feeling.

The problem these days is that people give up too easily. They hit a few bumps in the road and either abandon the relationship or run into the arms of another.

It is going to take a lot of introspection on your part to be sure that the “thing” that is missing is love.

On the other hand, if you have the unmistakable feeling that something is missing, you should explore the idea that either he doesn’t love you, or you do not love him.

Realizing you’re not in love may be a bitter pill to swallow but it’s better to swallow it than choke on it later.

Life is hard and love makes it harder, but it also makes it sweeter.

Are you now asking yourself these questions?