3 reasons not to remain friends with your Ex

• Posted on December 11, 2013December 11, 2013
• by Nana Kwesi Coomson
• Comment

It might seem like a good idea, but trust us, it isn’t.

Working with numerous women as a relationship coach, many tell me they have become good friends with the guys they had intimaterelationships with in the past. They see it as a sign of emotional maturity. Meanwhile, frequently, both parties are emotionally stuck.

Here are three reasons why I believe that the past is for learning and growing, rather than something you should drag into the future:

1. He will keep you in the past. No matter who initiated the breakup, one person always wants to get back together and the other likes the friendship arrangement. Because so many people dread developing new intimate relationships, the tendency is to hold tightly onto old ones.

The shared history gives you a sense of being in a relationship — but without the work it takes to keep it alive and healthy. When you go on romantic dates with someone new, this past relationship becomes a barrier for emotional availablity. In fact, some women tell me they  feel guilty about dating, like they are betraying the ex-boyfriend, even though the romantic relationship with him is over. In my book, What To Look For In A Man, chapter two talks about how to attain true and lasting healing from past relationships so you do not repeat the old pattern that did not lead to committment.

2. You will end up in bed. Sleeping with an ex is easy but emotionally unhealthy. You may go out one evening for a drink (or two) “as friends,” and one or both of you remembers that initial attraction … or you are feeling a little lonely, because there are times when being single is isolating, or thinking you need a confidence boost, and you turn to your ex to fill a void that he cannot possibly fill. The next day, all you are left with is regret or a very misguided sense you may get back together.

3. You won’t meet the right guy. It’s important to explore the reason you attracted and fell for your ex so you do not repeat the same mistakes. However, when he is in such close contact with you on a regular basis, you won’t even see the right guy if he’s standing right in front of you because you’ll compare him to your ex, as if your ex is the gold standard for men, even though your ex wasn’t right for you.

If you are ready to find the right man, there is a process to attracting the right relationshipthat will lead you to commitment and lasting love.

The finality of ending a relationship completely by stopping all communication seems so traumatic to many women. The emotional connection in love and that gaping void after abreakup almost feel too difficult to live through. However, every person can start over and attract lasting love with the right guy, leaving the past behind and learning a better pattern forrelationship success. Taking this step of courage and faith will allow you the time necessary to focus on changes that will bring the right man into your life.

-yourtango